Narcissism and Codependence

Fight Busters Fight Busting About Kim and Steve

If you are caught in a cycle of fighting with your partner, the terms

Narcissism & Codependence may be very helpful for you to understand

The Narcissist

‘Two faced’ and puts people down (including family and friends) behind their back.

Blames their lack of success or mistakes on others, particularly their spouse and/or kids. This will probably include seeking sympathy from others at their partner’s expense.

A different person in private than they are in public.

Irresponsible and unreliable (often trading on others hard work).

Arrogant, acting superior to those close to them (often putting their family down).

Creates and lives in a fantasy world.

Will often be addicted to porn and other fantasy oriented behavior.

May have other addictions including alcohol, tobacco, gambling, drugs, shopping, computer games and/or sex.

Will lie and distort facts and change the events of history to suit their own agenda.

May misappropriate funds and be irresponsible with money.

Distant and emotionally unavailable unless they want something.

Will lack empathy for others and especially the people they exploit.

Will be very controlling and often unable to relax.

May appear very charming and even humble in public.

The Codependent

Will need help from others to process their emotional states (they will need others to “cheer them up” or help them to feel happy).

Will take a long time to calm down after becoming upset.

Will need their partner’s approval to feel good about themselves or feel able to move on with their own goals or plans.

May not know how to handle people who disrespect them or put them down.

Will expect people (who they obviously shouldn’t trust) to be kind and play fair.

Will often misinterpret and/or be at the mercy of their moods and emotions.

May be addicted to alcohol, tobacco and prescription medication or drugs.

May blame their addictions on the abusive behavior of others in their life.

May be obsessed with their relationship with their partner.

May complain a lot and expect their partner to take the lead in improving their life.

May long for a hero to ‘save’ them.

“Steve and I are not doctors but rather a couple who once faced the same problems you may be experiencing and who have worked through these problems successfully. The descriptions here are from our own layman’s perspective and are not definitions but symptoms aimed at helping to make these concepts useful in a practical way.”

Please Note: These are not diseases and there are no drugs specific to treating the conditions above, nor should the descriptions here be used for any kind of diagnosis.

The word narcissism is a little tricky because it has two meanings; the first is someone who is charismatic and likes the lime light and who may also have ‘star qualities’. The second more recent usage however describes someone with the traits of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).

The word Narcissism when used to describe the traits of NPD is very different from the older meaning (and neither of these meanings is someone who is simply egotistical).

A layman’s description of someone with the symptoms of NPD are as follows;

Narcissism (describing NPD traits)

A person with these tendencies will be two-faced; charming and polite in public, while critical, rude, arrogant, sarcastic and passive/aggressive in private; usually to the people who are closest to them and who give them the most love and care.

This person will pretend to have high standards, but in reality will be low in perfectionism: resulting in them being flakey, hypocritical or even an outright phony or fake. They will not follow through on promises and may trade on others’ hard work or reputation. They will spend most of their energy seeking people who will admire them or else who they can vent their aggression on, either directly by put downs, sarcasm or else by passive/aggression (trying to provoke a fight so they can vent their own aggression) or else by gossiping nastily about others (friends included).

A narcissistic individual will shift blame and may become aggressive if anyone attempts to hold them accountable for their actions. They will not accept responsibility for their own failings and instead blame their mistakes and/or bad behavior on the shortcomings of others.

Sexually they may seduce and abandon partners including the person they marry; this may also be a cover for performance anxiety. There is often a pattern of seducing and abandoning lovers, friends or people they can make their ‘fans’. (Note: some narcissists are completely cerebral and will think themselves “above sex” altogether and instead pride themselves on their intelligence and academic achievements or may pride themselves on being ‘unwinable’).

A lack of empathy, combined with high self interest and mixed with a particular cunning charm and ability to manipulate others will make a person with these tendencies a difficult and potentially abusive person to live with. They will think nothing of exploiting their partner financially, sexually or otherwise, while blaming their own weaknesses and shortcomings on this very same person.

Someone with these traits may also hinder any attempt by their partner to regain their sense of strength or self worth and get back on their feet and get on with their life (or get away). They may even encourage their partner but then ‘knock them down again’ when they get back on their feet (like Lucy is towards Charlie Brown in ‘the Peanuts’).

Narcissism (or more accurately NPD) is a disorder and not a disease. There is no blood test for narcissism and three different professionals may diagnose the same person in three different ways. The description is useful, for example, in the same way that the concept of shyness is useful; describing a familiar pattern of behavior in an individual.

Most importantly a Narcissist is a human being acting in a particular way and should not be treated like a monster, or worse, as an ‘it’ rather than a person. As unfair and damaging as a relationship with this type of person may be, we believe it more useful (and healthy) to use straightforward descriptive words about their bad behavior, rather than relying on this term generally to describe them. It would be more correct and useful in most situations for instance to say “Lucy lied to me” than “Lucy is an N or Lucy is a narcissist.”.

As common as the suggestion is that you must run or “get away” from this type of person, we believe it is important for family members of someone with these tendencies to learn to stand up for themselves and hold their ground. This response can be highly beneficial for the person with narcissistic traits as well. This behavior will not improve on it’s own however and it is a big mistake to expect the narcissistic partner in a relationship or family to be responsible for ‘changing’.

Back From the Looking Glass

Living with the Disorder that Causes Domestic Abuse

The 13 Steps I took to end the abuse ...

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Codependence

Codependence is a term used by psychologists to describe a whole range of characteristics and behaviors and many disagree on exactly what this term describes.

We have however found the term codependence useful to describe the following characteristics;

Someone with these traits will feel responsible for the feelings of others and believe that they need to be involved in resolving the negative feelings of the people they are close to. If someone is upset with them or in a bad mood, a codependent will have trouble staying focused on their own life and goals and may feel that their partners unhappiness reflects that they have somehow failed them (“If he loved me he would be happy all of the time”).

A person with codependent tendencies own happiness and goals will be very closely tied to others estimation of them. They will look for validation, reassurance and encouragement in anything they take on and will often seek this from people the most unlikely to give them this support. They may also expect support from a partner without them even asking and be angry if their partner does not guess what they need. They may believe that someone guessing their needs is a sign of love.

A codependent needs others to be happy for them to be happy and will expect everyone to feel bad if they do.

Codependence is about emotional dependence and someone who is codependent will have a hard time functioning if they are not in a relationship and will often put their need for a solid relationship with a life partner before their own needs, security and goals.

A person with codependent tendencies will also have trouble processing their own emotions and will expect help to feel better after being upset and will often fail to take the time to honestly take notice of what their emotions are signaling about things that may require work or attention in their life.

A codependent type may have worked hard at ‘keeping a parent happy’ while they grew up, while never being allowed to talk about the real cause of that parents emotional instability (e.g.. alcoholism, depression, gambling or drug addiction). This conditioning will leave this person an easy target for abuse when they are older.

10 Steps to Overcome Codependence

Reclaim control of your life and your happiness and become more

emotionally stable and attractive.

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Summary

Most abusive relationships feature a dance of Narcissism and Codependence between the two partners (to some degree). Stereotypes portray men as more generally narcissistic and women codependent but this is certainly not always the case. The two sets of behavior (which we believe are both forms of immaturity) play into each other and each partner blames the other instead of facing their own need to grow up.

A couple may also (in different situations) swap roles. Alcohol for instance will trigger narcissistic behavior in some people.

Narcissists rarely look for help and instead will blame others for their problems, where codependents tend to know that something is wrong and will blame themselves (more than they should) and spend a lot of time working on ‘fixing’ themselves. This will be unlikely to help however, unless they learn to stand up to their partner’s abuse calmly and effectively. For this reason, our advice focuses primarily on helping the codependent partner to learn to set boundaries and hold their spouse accountable, while also working on their own emotional maturity. It is our experience that these changes will help both partners. It should be stressed howver that this does not mean that the codependent is responsible for their partner’s bad behavior or abuse.

We feel very strongly that this is the best first option in helping abusive couples resolve their fighting because a couple separating will usually leave the underlying problem unresolved; after separating in many cases each partner will end up in another abusive relationship and the terrain may then become even more dangerous and difficult for themselves and their children.

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PLEASE NOTE - Kim is not a therapist or doctor, but her advice is well researched and has been reviewed by professional mental health practitioners and includes qualified advice from many sources including Social Services and the Police. Please note that you may however still want to read this Disclaimer and Privacy Policy before using this site or her products.