Fight Busting

Please Help us End Domestic Abuse by Bookmarking this Page and Sharing it with Your Family and Friends

 

1. Do not bring up divorce or separation in the heat of an argument - This is NOT a decision to be made when you are upset ...


“Talking about divorce or separation during a fight will undoubtedly make the conflict worse.“


If your partner declares that they hate you and want to separate or other hurtful things during a fight, please remember they are mad and probably don’t mean what they are saying.


“We all say things that we don’t mean when we are angry.”


Don’t say: “I am leaving you” ....


Do say: “I am leaving the room to go calm down. I need some time to cool off”.

Back From the Looking Glass 

Living with the Disorder that Causes Domestic Abuse

The 13 Steps I took to end the abuse ...


     
 
 

Practice these skills and you will see every aspect of your life improve ...


Please continue reading about why couples may get caught in a cycle of fighting ...


Narcissism and Codependence


Are you caught in a destructive dance?

  1. “Anger is a clear sign that something is amiss in our life, but you will not gain anything by acting out your anger in the heat of the moment.”

This is not about bottling up your emotions. It is healthy and a good sign that you get angry when you are treated rudely, but it is also healthy (and very important for your own success in life) that you are able to decide to let the anger go and wait till you are completely calm again to deal with the problem. If it is appropriate say that you are angry but learn to regulate and control your response and to take note of what angered you and make sure you take the time to deal with it later once you are calm again.

12. Don’t make excuses that the conflict must be resolved immediately - The more pressing the matter, the more important it is that you take the time to calm down.


“If your partner is uncooperative and you need their help, then change your plans and organize things differently without needing them.”


Practicing this will help you become more flexible and you will slowly get better at it. You will probably never change your initial reaction to anger or upset, but you can change how you respond to this reaction. Just like exercising a muscle, you will get better at this with practice.


When you feel your emotions flare think:

“Now I have a great chance to exercise self control”.

11. When you see your partner again be ready to offer an olive branch - When you first see your partner again, soon after the fight, say that you need a few days to think about what you were fighting about and that you don’t want to talk about it right now.


“Try and be light and remember that admitting that you are sorry or embarrassed might be hard but is actually very attractive.”


You will have a chance to work on the boundary that was crossed and what you can do to defend it better later, but for now just remember what you value about your relationship and what you have in common.


“It is easy for fights to flare again in the two days after an upset, so give it time for you to both completely calm down before you tackle the issue again.”


Don’t think that talking through the issue must happen for things to get better. Take care of your own negative feelings (self soothe) and set your own boundaries.

10. Don’t bring up the conversation again until you have decided how you are going to defend this boundary so it is not crossed again - You should leave this at least two or three days.


“Complaining to your partner is not setting a boundary.”


You need to let them know what the consequences will be, which should be fair and just and not include you being angry, punishments or threats.


Don’t say: “If you insult me again I will leave you.”


Do say: “I love you but I want you to stop insulting me. If you can’t stop I will need to seek outside help to protect myself from your insults. If you don’t stop I may need to get our doctor/minister/the police/your boss to talk to you about how they might help you move past this.”


Please do not involve your partners family or friends in this! We have a lot of advice about setting these kinds of boundaries in “Back from the Looking Glass” and “the Love Safety Net Workbook”.

9. Don’t ignore what the fight was about - Refer to the note you made (about what triggered the fight) a few days later once you are calm and then decide what action needs to be taken.


“Anger is a clear sign that a boundary of yours has been crossed and you need to work on how you are going to defend it. Complaining to your partner probably won’t help.”


Our eBooks and info will help you with this.


Note: a boundary is just like it sounds, it is the line of what behavior you find comfortable accepting from others. If someone is rude to you for instance this line has been ‘trespassed’. We have a lot of advice about limiting abuse in “Back from the Looking Glass” and “the Love Safety Net Workbook”. Working on your boundaries later is just as important as you calming yourself down in the heat of the moment.

8. If your partner is not answering you, understand it may be because they are overwhelmed -

This generally happens to men faster than women.


“When faced with criticism or conflict it is very human to reach a point where we just freeze up. Understand this and don’t make the mistake of thinking that your partner is ignoring you or trying to hurt you further.”


Silence in a fight equals emotional overwhelm and you need to give your partner time to recover their emotional balance before they can talk to you again.


Don’t say: “Stop ignoring me!”


Do say: “I need some time to cool off and you probably do too - I am going to take some time out. I am not attacking you, we can talk about this later”.

7. No matter how much you feel like hurting your partner by saying or doing mean things, try to be honest about your own hurt instead - Say “I feel very hurt about what you are saying and I need some time to calm down. I hope that we can get past this”. You can also reassure your partner that you will stand by them and that even though you are angry you will not leave them (if you can do this honestly).


“Having the courage to admit your hurt and vulnerability and also your love for them is much more courageous and powerful than trying to control your partner with aggression or intimidation.”


Don’t say: “I have always hated you, you are a fat slob.”


Do say: “I feel very hurt by what you are saying and I am very angry at you, but I do love you too so right now I need some time to calm down before I say anything that I really don’t mean.”

6. Decide NOT to think about the problem while you are upset - It takes nearly two days to calm down completely once you have really lost your cool.


“Make a note on a piece of paper of what first upset you but then make a firm decision to leave it till you are completely calm before you think about it again or decide what you will do about it.”


The voice in our head when we are angry tells us to do things that we will usually regret later.


“Smart and successful people do not listen to this voice in the heat of the moment and do not take too personally what others say to us when they are angry or upset.”

5. Do not drink alcohol, use drugs or talk about the fight > these actions will only fuel your bad feelings - Likewise DO NOT work yourself up further by swinging your arms around, using a punching bag or chopping wood etc. It was once believed that this helped let off steam but it has been shown in many research studies that doing something calming is much better.


“You will change how you feel by changing your focus. Focus on something calm and beautiful and your feelings will eventually follow in that direction.”


Feelings change depending on what you focus on. Start by sitting or lying down or going for a walk. Give it a bit of time and the bad feelings will pass.

4. Take care of your own hurt - If you need to get away from your partner to feel safe and get some space to calm down do so but


“Say clearly where you are going, when you will be back and that you simply need some time to cool off because you are too upset to talk anymore. Then take care of yourself.”


If you can get time alone without being disturbed, stay where you are but don’t be waiting for your partner to come and see you to ‘make up’ or make you feel better. They need time to calm down too.


“If they walk out on you, forget about them for now and take care of yourself.”


If you have kids reassure them that you are OK and that things are going to be all right. No matter how hurt you feel inside, be brave and strong for your kids; they love strength in a parent and will look up to you for it.


If you can, ask a neighbor to watch the kids and then do something to feel better. This might include listening to one of our audio programs or some calming music that you like, taking a walk somewhere nice, having a bath or shower or listening to the rain (or a recording of rain sounds). If there is no one to watch the kids, take them out for a walk or to the park and engage with them and be kind.


“Learning to soothe yourself and find your own natural true state of inner happiness, regardless of how your partner is feeling or behaving is one of the most important skills you can learn. It will empower you, make you more attractive and improve your relationship.”

3. Stop thinking you need your partner to do what you want them to right now - They can’t help you now because they are tied up dealing with their own negative emotions.


“Be wise and give both yourself and your partner some time and space to regain their composure.”

2. Don’t make ultimatums or threats > they will only come back to haunt you - If you try to force someone to do what you want by threatening them, it will always be at the expense of your relationship.


  2. “Threats rarely work anyway, people do things more readily out of love than fear.”


Threats only breed resentment. If your partner’s behavior is unacceptable you need to learn skills to set better boundaries for yourself and limit their unacceptable behavior.


“Threats will only escalate the fighting.”


Don’t say: “Stop saying that or I will _______.”


Do say: “I don’t like the way you are talking to me and I am not prepared to discuss this now; I need time to cool off.”

   Link will open in new window